I never thought I’d end up like this. There’s longevity in my family. I have four aunts who are aged over 90 (two on each side) and I always hoped/assumed that, as long as I looked after myself, I’d make it into old age too. I don’t think that any more.
We never know what’s ahead of us, but I never would have imagined that, just into my 50s, I’d be crippled with pain, for which there seems to be no cure. I never thought I’d end up like this.
For more than two years I have been suffering, and despite all manner of interventions, I am worse than I have ever been, broken and in constant tears.
The doctor told me that I am on the strongest pain meds he can safely prescribe, yet those meds are almost totally ineffective. Two nights ago, after watching a football match (and thank God for the distraction of the Euros) I went to take my meds, only to be horrified to realise that I had taken them before the match. They had made no impact on my pain.
I am supposed to be getting a spinal cord stimulator, but I cannot get any dates from the hospital for when this will happen, and there’s no guarantee it will make any difference.
Our big annual novena begins here in Limerick tomorrow. My colleagues are all looking forward to it, but I am not. Up until last year, I used to be actively involved in planning the themes for our novenas, I used to write the booklet for each year, and was regularly one of the main preachers. Now I am on the periphery – pain-riddled, lost and broken.
I want my pain to end. I want to be free of it. There is no worse feeling than waking up early in the morning with your back on fire, and realising that there’s another miserable day ahead.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a few days of relative respite but what followed is worse than what I suffered before. It’s not worth living in agony for months at a time in hope of a few days’ respite in the future.
The only reason I have been determined to hang on all along is for the sake of my mother, but my strength is running low now and my will is ebbing. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to go on living like this. Death is inviting. I keep thinking of the peace it would bring. Unless there is a miracle, I won’t see many more birthdays.