One devastating week

The last week has been hell. I don’t know what I did or why it happened, but there has been an incredible increase in pain (from a five out of ten to seven or eight out of ten) and I cannot cope. It’s as if the fusion has come loose or the graft has pulled away, except I’m sure it hasn’t. But something has happened that feels like a knife has been plunged into the base of my back and is shooting daggers down my legs. Strong medication doesn’t even temper it. 

I love life and I don’t want it to end, but the life I am living right now has no quality, no happiness or joy. There is only sadness and tears. I don’t want to live if this is what my life will be.

All I look forward to is being knocked out. My happiest moment of the day is when I take my sleeping pill. I know I will enjoy a few pain-free hours before the pain nags me awake again, and I have to endure another twenty four hours of misery. 

Though family, community and friends offer support and solidarity, I have nowhere to turn. The medics either don’t know what to do with me or probably consider me a crank. I feel lost and beaten. 

The last two years have seemed like twenty. In so many ways, my life ended two years ago, only I didn’t stop breathing and my heart kept beating. The only thing I am grateful for is that I was there for my dad at his end, and there for my mother in her grief.

I am tired of pain and constipation and doctors and pills and hospitals. I am tired of disappointment heaped on disappointment.

I am tired of moaning and whining and self-pity. 

I am tired.

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Author: frommypulpit

I'm a Redemptorist preacher and writer, with an interest in history, politics, and sport, who is living with chronic back pain.

One thought on “One devastating week”

  1. Oh Gerry, I’m so sorry to hear about your bad week, please let me know if you think there is anything I can do to help. I sincerely wish a satisfactory solution will be found soon that we easy your pain. Best wishes, John.

    Liked by 1 person

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