Pain has beaten me

Two months ago I thought I was gaining control of my chronic back pain. I had found a new physio, I had followed her recovery plan and had cut back on my medications. I had increased my exercise and stayed up longer each day. And it seemed to be working. The pain had begun to ease to such an extent that I decided I didn’t need more surgery after all and could live without getting a spinal cord stimulator. I began to look forward to having a reasonably active, good quality of life.

Now that hope is crushed. For the past six weeks the pain has been increasing again, so that now it is as intense as it ever has been. I was hoping it was a short-term flare up, and was determined to not panic. I continued doing what my physio has recommended. But to no avail. The pain is so bad I want the spinal cord stimulator to be inserted as soon as possible. It is the last shot I have at being set free from this prison. If it fails, there is nothing left, but that is okay. Then I can choose whether or for how long more I can continue to endure this torture.

Thinking about life and end of life, I realize that I have been lucky in so many ways. I don’t have a bucket list of things I want to do before I die. I have done most of what I wanted. I have no desire to see how trump fares in office or how brexit works out. Indeed, the direction the world has taken of late makes it a far less attractive place to be.

The only reason I want to keep on fighting is for the sake of my mother and family. But the pain is beating me. All I can do is try to take each day at a time for as long as I can.

Author: frommypulpit

I'm a Redemptorist preacher and writer, with an interest in history, politics, and sport, who is living with chronic back pain.

6 thoughts on “Pain has beaten me”

  1. Dear Gerry,

    This is awful. I had noticed your increased number of posts which I look forward to. And I had assumed that your pain management was doing its job. I do hope and pray that the spinal cord stimulator will help to manage the pain for you.

    Blessings and best wishes,


    Liked by 1 person

  2. Gerry
    I had hoped that the recovery was a little more long term. However…there is always hope…it may be a blip..keep.talking to your physio. YOU are an historian… history…what is tragically happenning in our world…Aleppo, Yemen…these are the real places of pain. Walk in solidaity with those people. You will come through. Please God. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Mary stood beneath the cross, Gerry. She is at your side right now. Tell her the wine of your strength is exhausted. She has to do something about it.’Never was it known……..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Gerry,

    Sending prayers your way. My sister who is 51 was born with scoliosis and developed spinal stenosis and carpal tunnel in her later years. She also suffers from osteo-arthritis. She cares daily for her daughter who, after being in a car accident, is now confined to a wheel chair. Medicinal marijuana has dramatically changed her life for the better. She would normally be on opiates for the pain but doesn’t need them because she is a daily marijuana smoker and has been for 20 years.

    Don’t make any plans yet sir. Cannabis has been set to be legalised in Ireland for medical use. This is good news for chronic pain sufferers. This is as of December, 2016. This is great news for you Gerry.

    I’m not sure if this is even a route you would consider but I can tell you from seeing people first hand using this treatment, it does provide results especially for chronic back pain.

    Ireland is doing its population well by allowing this. It was scientists/doctors in the UK who first discovered that the human DNA is specifically designed to receive THC/CBD. There are countless documentaries on the breakthroughs that are happening as doctors have become more likely to administer pain management plans with cannabis.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Llyod, for your comments. I have read about this and look forward to its introduction in Ireland, which hopefully will be soon. Anything that would reduce pain levels is most welcome.
      Prayers and wishes to your sister and her daughter.


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